Boy #1

A couple of days ago Boy #1 asked me if I was around when Jesus was on the earth!! Seriously- where do they come up with this stuff??!! Each of my boys are special in their own way. Boy #1 has certainly given us a ride in the parenting department. I remember being the absolutely perfect parent- knowing just what to do and say in each situation, how to discipline, what to make a big deal of what to let go, and then I had kids. OH BOY!! Boy #1 did not follow ANY of the rules for being a child...why that guy had the nerve to scream much of the day (and night), and to not follow the Baby Wise schedule that all the "good moms" were using. He screamed at the top of his lungs in the nursery and took 20 minute naps!! What a start to parenting for 2 newbies. I can still remember calling the midwife at 3:00 am on our first night home asking "WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS KID???" He was on hour 3 of screaming. He hated being held by anyone but us. Needless to day, it was exhausting. I felt like a parenting failure much of the time in those days...still feel like that many days now with boy #1 too.

As time passed we began to discover that there were some reasons for the screaming and sleeping and eating issues. It has been such a long journey, and really one that continues on and on and on. Sometimes we are making headway, and sometimes we are in a really low valley. I think God gave us Noah for many reasons. I think He has taught us to look at things from a different perspective, the importance of praying for your children, dealt with pride issues in our lives, and taught us to rely on Him. Also to introduce us to some amazing people who have loved our son unconditionally and helped him feel accepted and safe. It is really hard to not see the end result...and then sometimes I think it is good to not see the future, but to take it one day at a time.

A dear friend and mentor once told me that we as moms cannot find our self worth in our children. I know she is right, but as a mom I find that so hard to do. If one of my kids does something stupid, I immediately feel like it is a complete reflection of me. Boy #1 has a completely different take on life than the average child and what he perceives and does is well out of my control. That is a hard pill to swallow for a control crazy mama!!

He has taught us much compassion. When I see a parent struggling with a child somewhere I am so much slower to judge them. We never know where someone is at or what their situation is, and so often we decide they are bad parents based on the one time we have seen them.

Today we are in the valley and it feels pretty deep. I love my boy more than life itself, and so often I feel discouraged with myself for getting so frustrated, upset, and downright angry with this little guy who has SO many things to deal with just to make it through the day. I am thankful for the glimpses of God I see along this road and I am even more thankful that He promises not to give me more than I can handle...think He might be pushing the limits though :). Much of the time I (and my dear son too) wish that God would take this from him to make things like having friends, riding a bike, making it through a school day, and eating a meal easy and fun like it is for other kids, but I know He sees the full picture and I know that it all has a purpose. It is just harder to see some days than others.

And so, for now I embrace the different ways of thinking and the uniqueness that is boy #1, and I pray that someday I will be a calmer, more patient, and understanding mother for him and that he will know I am his #1 fan even if I don't always show it. He is a blessing to me in many ways and I have never been more humbled or realized just how much I need the Lord than in parenting this precious boy. Every day when I send him off to school with much anxiety, I try to remember to take things as they come and just do the best I can without worrying about what others might think...easier said than done...and then I remember this verse: 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you." Trying to do this one little baby step after another!